Christmas seems to put our memories in the spotlight. Center stage. Right there in front of our faces. And there is no way to escape watching them play out right there. All through the weeks leading up to Christmas day, my memory show play over and over and over again again and again. It was relentless.
Most years I am successful at only half watching them unfold. They stay just out of the spotlit area. Not this year.
This year, they were front and center and the lighting guy kept that blasted spotlight right on them. There was no way to avoid. To pretend to ignore.
One of the nice things about an empty nest is that there is no one home to see you cry or sigh or even laugh out loud for no apparent reason. You don't have to share your thoughts or your memories until you're ready to do so. I like to keep a lot of my memories private. Not because they're bad. But because they're precious. And they're mine. And I want to keep them for myself.
Another new year is here. And I am ever grateful for these memories. Memories of a happier time. With happier people. People who knew how to live and love. People who knew how to laugh and have fun. People who were doers not talkers. People who knew that just dreaming was not the way to make their dreams come true. People who didn't walk around under a self manufactured cloud of negativity and despair. People who took responsibility for their own actions and did not try to find others to blame.
How I miss having those people touch my life on a daily basis.
The first day back to school after winter break arrived. I was not ready. I am not thrilled to be back. Part of the reason is because of that blasted spotlight that showed up around Thanksgiving and stayed all through the holidays. It was rough this year. I still enjoyed being with the lovelies and meeting the new boyfriend of Deanie. I still enjoyed the time DoodleBug and Birdie and I spent together on our prep work for the festivities. I still enjoyed being with everyone and the presents and the food, etc. But I missed those who were responsible for making my Christmases so wonderfully magical.
I guess I just don't do well with change no matter how many years ago those changes took place. Maybe I have a hard time recognizing my place when things change. Our roles change in so many ways over the years. I would rather things stay the same.
I liked being someone's grandchild. I thrived being the mother of four wonderfully delightful daughters. Both of those roles have changed. One due to the passing of life the other due to the passing of an era. And here I am.. Still just filling time.
I'm not sure what it is, exactly, I'm waiting on or for. But if I don't stop waiting, life is going to pass me right by. So it's time to pull myself up by my boot straps. Suck it up. Buck up. Do whatever and turn off that spotlight
How were your memories this holiday season?
Saturday 9...
5 hours ago
I've decided that sometimes I need to change my way of thinking. Our holiday was filled with sadness and stress, yet the memories I have of Christmas 2013 are all about the acts of kindness shown by my friends.
ReplyDelete(However my memory of return to work Monday after 3 weeks is not so pleasant:)) that one was hard!
Oh dear Pam, I'm sat here in tears now after reading your post. The tears just won't stop. I'm sure you didn't mean to have that impression on me!! I always get down at this time of the year, especially between Christmas and the new year, but at the moment, I feel so emotional, and, NO, it's nothing to do with THAT, which passed a long, long time ago,seeing that I will be 67 shortly. I sometimes think that I'm waiting for something as well. Meanwhile, life is just whizzing by, in the blink of an eye. Take care over there, and keep warm.
ReplyDeletePam, I only focus on the present because memories can be exhausting, draining and overpowering. The past was/is good...it formed us. The future is "out there" and the present is where we now need to live!...:)JP
ReplyDeleteAh Pam, I find this post so easy to relate to... if you ever need to talk to someone who is removed enough to be objective, intuitive enough to get it, shoot me an email. I'm a good listener. xo
ReplyDeletePam, I miss grandparents, parents and my little brother. Cousins, aunts and uncles...we had such lovely BIG holiday celebrations. But time does pass, as do our loved ones and I just delight in the present and making new memories as time goes on. The old memories live in my heart and make me happy. I'm sorry you had such a tough time this year and will be your cheer leader as you pull up those boot straps. Love & hugs.
ReplyDeleteI still miss being able to share something with Mike all the time. I miss just having him sitting here bugging me. I'm still working on that.
ReplyDeleteThere are lots that I keep to myself now with no one asking what's on my mind. Some are very special.
I so love reading you post Pam. You make me think all the time.
Blessings my friend!
Kim- I know you're right. It's just hard sometimes. I also get that back to work thing. We had 15 days away and I was NOT glad to be back.
ReplyDeleteDiane- NO! I did not mean for you to cry. Mine doesn't have anything to do with THAT either. It's just been a really rough year. Thank God for friends- like you. :)
JP- I am still trying to train my mind to stay in the present. It's not so easy.
Jessica- Hey girl! Thanks! I might take you up on that.
Terri- I try to delight in the present but I fail at it more than I succeed. I have to wonder if it would help were I not surrounded by so much negativity. Who knows. Pulling up the straps. :)
Julie- I can imagine that this year was not easy for you at all. Yet you always spread what I call that Julie Cheer! No one asks me what's on my mind around here. I'm grateful for friends though, that's for sure!