If there's one place in the world I cannot stand to be it's in the middle. Of anything. Ever. The person in the middle does not have the easiest task because they are thrust into situations by other people for some ridiculous reason or another. I've had people be so clever about this that I didn't realize I was in the middle until I was in the middle. I've learned over the years to avoid the middle at all costs and to be brutally honest and tell everyone involved that I am not going to be in the middle any longer if it sneaks up on me. I just do not like being in the middle.
When we make someone the center of our universe we put them in the middle whether they like it or not. Suddenly, without their permission or knowledge, they are thrust into life with the responsibility of making our world spin or make sense. That's a huge responsibility for a kid. It's huge for anyone.
People who make their children the center of their universe do not realize the pressure they put on their kids. When the kids grow up and move on, they tend to shut out those parents because they simply have to get away from all that pressure.
I'm not saying we don't all miss our kids when they grow up and move out of the nest. We do. But there is a line between loving our kids and having strong relationships with them and codependency. I love my girls. I think they're the greatest daughters who have ever walked the face of the earth. When they left the nest I did have an adjustment period. I had all that time to fill and it took me some time to figure out how to fill it. But that was fun! I knew the girls were out living their own grown-up lives and I knew I had done my best to prepare them to do so. Adjustment period? Sure. Missed them? Of course! But Y'all, I was so tired I think I was grateful to have a minute to myself. Raising four daughters is the best thing I've ever had the privilege to do. I loved every second and I was one of those moms who was involved in every aspect of their lives teaching them life skills through it all. But not so they could spin my world, so they could grow up and be able to spin their own worlds.
It is almost as if some people carry the thought, "I did all of this for you and you should do all these things for me because of it." Aren't we supposed to do for and give to others because we want to, out of the goodness of our hearts without expectation of return? If we do and give with the expectation of return, that's not really giving. I think that's called manipulation. It rarely works and when it does will almost certainly lead to rebellion when the person cracks under the pressure. They will distance themselves to save themselves.
I don't know anyone who likes being made to be the center of someone's universe. I've been in that position myself and I know it's not a good place. There is, quite often, a rebellion that takes place which can be nearly impossible to reverse. Resentment steps in and relationships are severed. Is it really worth it to make another person the center of our universe? IMO, no.
I know I seem to write about these poor moms but they are so sad, so devastatingly sad. I've never seen such sadness before and they are not being the least bit rational about it. I am still truly concerned and hope they come to some sort of realization combined with getting some professional help.
Taking care of ourselves is never a bad idea. Remembering we can be wonderful, loving, nurturing parents without making our kiddos the center of our universe is important. Knowing how to be focused on our children without becoming attached to them in an unhealthy, restrictive way is also important for everyone involved in the relationship. Our goal is to raise our children to become healthy, independent, well adjusted adults, right?
Have you ever been the center of someone's universe? Do you know someone who is or who does this? Please share your thoughts!
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Such words of wisdom. I do agree and I do know someone who does this. Actually, I probably know more than one. Not having children of my own, I can see it from a different perspective, but I admit to having tried in the past to make the bonus grandchildren in my life the center. So thankful I was able to see what I was doing and simply enjoy them for being a part of my life.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was going to do this with the grands but I haven't. I couldn't love them more if I tried but I haven't made them the center of my universe. I'm like you, I'm aware and grateful for it. It just seems to make life more difficult than it already is when someone does this to us, right? Thank you for commenting!
DeleteHow do you come up with those ideas. I never have even thought about things like that until you talk about them. So true too. Gosh, no, I have never been the center of anyone's universe. I think the only time my kids were the center of my universe was when I was nursing them. :) I think having this empty nest has been so wonderful and I know my Mom went through such a hard time when we were gone, but I don't think I have ever felt that way. Maybe one day if I am honest. They will all be here tomorrow well almost all of them, that will be enough. I like them having their own lives now, because I sure like mine. Even if Elliot and Peter are still here, they live upstairs in the bachelor pad. :) Such amazing thoughts you have. Have a lovely weekend.
ReplyDeleteSomeone did this to me and I have never lived up to it nor have I tried. I just find it's so unfair. My kids were the center of my life when I was raising them but I knew there was an end purpose to that part of the deal. Like you, I am so enjoying an empty nest and seeing my adult kiddos live their own lives. I wish this type of healthy relationship was experienced by all moms in an empty nest. :) My mind is a little on the crazy side. :) Thank you, Kim!
DeleteI don't think I've ever been the center of someone's universe and I don't believe I have ever done that to anyone else. I didn't raise children of my own, so I don't have that experience. But I don't think I would have been that kind of mom. Can't imagine the stress of it, actually. I'm with you...stay out of the middle of any situation. It is not a healthy place to be. Period.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you would know if you had been because the pressure is off the charts! And I have seen it turn to rebellion nearly every time. It's just awful for everyone. The middle is one place to avoid like the plague, isn't it? Thanks, Terri! I love that you're loving retirement!
DeleteMy parents did not do this to us and I don't think we've done it to our girls either. I'm happy that they are independent and do life themselves. However, I do enjoy hearing from them and being with them when possible.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure you would know if you had. That's my girls, too, happy, independent, and doing life themselves but including us in a healthy way. It's different with the moms who have gone over the codependency bridge. If they don't hear from their adult children they go off about how ungrateful they are or play the victim or worse and I know you're not like that at all. It's bad for those moms and I have no idea how to help them.
DeleteJust as individuals are unique relationships are unique. I have a different relationship with each of my adult children. I do wonder about it at times but typically come to the conclusion that it is what it is. I do know someone who I would consider a helicopter parent. I don't think she feels too upset about the empty nest. She has one adult child with children nearby and another on the other side of the country who is single no kids. You make good points here but it's often hard to apply a given set of "rules" to every relationship.
ReplyDeleteYes, everyone and all relationships are unique though I have a close relationship with all my daughters there are differences among those relationships. I don't think there are rules for relationships just people interacting with other people but I do see a pattern with these women and that got me thinking about why they go off the deep end when an adult child doesn't text them every day or as soon as the mother texts them. They also go nuts with the expectations--I did this for them but they do nothing for me. This stuff drives me nuts but, at the same time, I feel for these women and wonder why some people expect others to be the center of their universe. I know the pattern well. This was done to me and it took me DECADES to get it changed. It seems such a waste of time with so many other things to do and people with whom to interact. Our children are important to us and it is a love like no other but making them responsible for their parents' happiness is not healthy.
DeleteI think there's definitely an adjustment period, and it's different for everyone. After having your kids living with you for 20 or so years, it can be sad and difficult to have them gone. Having said that, there does come a time when a parent needs to set the sadness aside and move on to the next stage of their life - which can be wonderful! I love my boys with all my heart and miss them everyday, but I know they're out doing the things I raised them to do and that makes me so happy!
ReplyDeleteIt is a lot of pressure to be the center of someone’s universe! We raise our children to be happy, independent individuals. I never want my son to feel responsible for my happiness. I miss my son since he is off at college, but I am thrilled he is having exciting, new experiences! I am enjoying our new adult relationship. A happy family is supportive but not clingy. That’s my two cents!
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