Connecting with Adult Children

To be honest, I was under the impression being in touch with our adult children is the norm until I started reading comments on social media, blog posts, and articles. It seems we may actually be the exception, instead. Which is sad. And curious.

My four daughters and I are quite close. We share similar philosophies and political leanings. We love to laugh and share everything from our daily routines to problems, from good news to bad. We are in touch because we want to be not because we're expected to be. We enjoy each other's company and appreciate any time we have together.

One daughter lives 8 hours away but not a day goes by without us texting and/or a phone call. This is the way it is with empty nesters I know personally, too. Thus, my erroneous thought all of us enjoy a wonderful relationship with our adult kids. Now, I realize I am one of the lucky/blessed ones and I am more grateful than ever before.

Do I agree with all their life decisions made in their adult lives? Nope. Do we all get along all the time? Nope. But when we do have our disagreements we tend to have them and then let them go. We try not to harbor and build resentments. As in our relationships with other people, we have to realize what's right for us isn't always going to be the right thing or right way for our adult children.

We don't really know what goes on in other families because we don't live their lives so I won't make any assumptions as to why so many parents have difficulty connecting with their adult children. I will say if there is a problem that has become so intense or complex you can't find a way around it, seek out a counselor. I do know parents who feel used and a couple who feel alienated by their adult children and counseling is most helpful in these as well as other situations.

Don't think for a second I'm not guilty of failing on some of these suggestions because I am. We're not perfect, we just do the best we can, right? That being said, here are a few ways I think would work to help us stay connected with our adult children.

1. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Or at least keep it to a minimum. I'm not the world's best at this but I'm far from the worst. Parents are pretty good at problem-solving. We've done it for decades and we possess experience wisdom but that does not give us the right to intrude and tell our adult kids what to do and how to do it. Safe your sage advice for the times it is requested and if it is never requested, pat yourself on the back you did a great job raising the kids! Remember, when they do ask for advice don't be critical. 
2. Back off a minute. You raised these kids and most likely you loved every minute of it. But it's THEIR time now so we have to back off and give them the space they need to figure out this whole adulting thing which is not the easiest thing to figure out if you remember. Heck, I'm still working on it. 
3. Do away with expectations or keep them under control and to yourself. If I've said it once I've said it a gazillion times: expectations will leave you with nothing but disappointment. Not to mention when you expect something from another person what you're really wanting is for them to do something the way you would do or the way you want it done. That's not fair. So what if they don't call or text or respond to yours every minute of the day, they have a life to live and they don't answer to us anymore. Of course, if you're feeling taken advantage of because the only time they do come around is when they need something it may be time for a family meeting or some tough love but that's on you to decide. 
4. Remember, you are not the boss. You did your job, put in your time and now you're done. Not with being a parent but with parenting dependent children. 
5. Find a common interest and share it. Does everyone enjoy shopping? Going to the movies? Bowling? Hiking? Football? Whatever the interest, if you find a common one invite them to join you. If they come, great! If not, go anyway and have a good time but don't stop inviting them because one day they will show up. 
6. Show a genuine interest. Sometimes we parents can come off seeming nosy instead of interested. Check the way you ask-- are you engaging in conversation or poking around where you aren't wanted or needed? Even if your intentions are innocent if your adult kid thinks otherwise, just be careful until they realize and/or appreciate you're genuinely interested.
7. No guilt trips. Honestly, if my mother ever put a guilt trip on me I would have had a conniption fit. People can carry their own guilt without having it put on them. Now is the time for us to recognize and respect the differences between us. 
8. Be a good listener. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and who better than our parents? Unless they jump in to tell us how to solve the problem which isn't what we wanted. Chances are your adult kids are perfectly capable of solving their problems but may need a supportive ear for a minute. Just give the ear and keep the solution to the problem to yourself unless they ask for it. Remember, we always want to be the ones they turn to not the ones they turn away from. 
9. Snail mail. Use it. Send a 'thinking-of-you' card every once in a while. You can put a little $$ in there, a newspaper clipping you saw they can relate to, a gift card, or just a little note and an 'I love you.' I started using the app, TouchNote and everyone loves it! I mostly use it to send pictures of my grands to my Dad and stepmom and my aunt but I do use it for my girls as well. It's so easy and a great way to send a postcard or greeting card. 
10. Accept whatever form of communication they are willing to use. Text, email, video chats, phone calls, whatever. I'd rather have any form of communication than none at all. 
11. Ask if they'd be willing to have a weekly phone call or video chat with you. And PROMISE not to keep them on there for 2 hours. We have people like that in our family and it drives me nuts. A 15-20 minute conversation is good enough and if it goes longer and all parties are ok with that then great! Don't forget about conference calling if you have multiple kiddos because having them all on the phone at the same time is super fun! 
12. Weekly or monthly meals. If your adult kids live close enough start a weekly or monthly meal at your house. Just let them know when it is but do not badger them to come. If they do, great if they don't just freeze the leftovers. 
13. Pray for them. If you are the praying sort, do it. I can't tell you how very aware I am my grandmother prayed for me until the day she passed. My mother has passed but my dad and stepmother continue praying for all of us daily. It makes a difference. 

That's all I've got right now but I'm sure Y'all have some more and I'd love to hear them!

Also, please visit my friend Mary who has a wonderful post about the difficulty of parenting adult children. Y'all can read her post HERE. 


Thanks, Y'all! Have a wonderful day!

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